Investing in yourself: intuitive notes & stream of consciousness

Younger Me, India, 2017

So I had this revelation today.

These past few weeks have been hard. I’ve just been in my head a lot. I think having to cancel my retreat was what triggered it. It’s kinda snowballed since then.

I started my coaching business a year ago, and this summer has been the slowest season yet. And I’m struggling. I feel like I’m treading through mud. Just moving so slowly, if moving at all. I’ve been stressed about money and my future. And I want nothing more than to FIGURE. IT. OUT. I want to, NEED to, know what’s next and I need the detailed game plan on how I’m gonna get there.

But then I started getting these headaches that wouldn’t go away. Headaches I couldn’t sleep off. My nervous system was so out of whack. I was operating on straight fight mode. And sometimes freeze mode. My nervous system and therefore I just collapsed.

So then, of course, I started going down the “tools to regulate the nervous system” rabbit holes. I soon found myself massaging my forehead and swinging my body like a cirque du soleil acrobat.

Maybe if I say “I love you. Making money is easy and fun. I love you. I love you. I love you” in front of the mirror everyday it’ll sink in and things will change. Maybe I just don’t think I’m “good enough” for that ease and success. Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be doomed for the rest of my frikin life. Maybe I’m just beyond repair.

The problem with reaching for those quick nervous system regulating and subconscious reprogramming tools was that it wasn’t long before the panic set back in. They were temporary patches.

I eventually reached the conclusion that there was something irreversibly wrong with me. My nervous system was so fcked up and unfixable. All of this in a matter of a week. Oh what the mind will do to ya. So I reached for the thing I always reach for when I hit a rock bottom and nothing else seems to work — 

I prayed. When I’m desperate, I pray. And when I pray in times of desperation, God tells me to sit my ass down and meditate 30 mins morning and night until I can hear Her guidance, calm down, and move forward from a place of faith and peace.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. And it’s been HELLA hard. Because morning meditations have always been easy for me, but those evening ones OOOWWEEEEE. They have always, always been tough. But my dear God necesario AF.

All of this meditating has reminded me why I embarked on this journey 6 years ago and why I decided to share that journey publicly with you. It was like the wake up call I needed from the wake up call.

Because honestly, I’m human and sometimes I find myself seeking something easier and quicker than meditation. (But I’m not human. I’m a Divine Being. And so are you.) And meditation started off being the main character of my journey, but then kinda slipped into the sidekick. Like it was always there, but I would get caught up in the new shiny gem I found along my path.

And the truth is, I LOVE psychology. I’m low key (ok, not so low key) obsessed with the workings of the mind. Which is why I get caught up in the nervous system and subconscious stuff. But my recent meditations reminded me: psychology is great for understanding the mind, but meditation is necessary for understanding the One observing the mind.

Meditation is the one thing I always turn to *and works* when I’m IN IT IN IT. There’s just nothing else like it for me. And I recently remembered why. And I’m feeling like a second mini awakening is happening for me, one that’s reminding me why I started doing all of this healing stuff in the first place.

To Self-realize.

And meditation is THE only way to get to that level of realization. And that’s facts I’m standing by. So I’m back on my cushion. Religiously.

And that’s not to say I’m still not worried about my future. That’s not to say I’m not comparing myself to my peers. That’s not to say I don’t carry shame and guilt about my life choices. But it is to say that today Ma sent me one of those timely messages that left me in tears. 

Ok, sure I haven’t invested money or time in climbing the corporate ladder or in property or in stocks or in bonds or whatever. If I’m being brutally honest here (and I am, hello have you been reading?!) I sometimes feel sooooo behind compared to my peers.

Behind is a funny word, isn’t it? Behind insinuates that we live life on a line, and we either move forward, stay stuck, or go backwards. And we kinda know that life is way more complex and nuanced than that.

So yea, I feel behind. And sometimes lost. And sometimes unsure. And a lot of times shame for not having all of the conventional accolades of success.

But that’s because, and I know this now, I’ve been investing in myself instead. Every single penny I’ve made these last 6 years I have invested in my personal and spiritual growth and development. I never thought of it that way until Ma sent me that message.

But shit, yes, I’ve been investing in myself! And the payoff of that investment is not tangible. One can’t really see it or touch it. But because of that, it’s a payoff nobody can ever take away from me.

My wisdom, my growth, my peace, my compassion, my kindness, my self-awareness, my revelations, my Love, my meditation practice, my relationship with Ma is something that nobody can ever take away from me. An investment that I will bring with me to my next life. The only “thing” that I can actually take with me when I transition.

With this revelation I no longer feel guilty or ashamed about my life choices. I see all of the money I’ve spent on my pilgrimage, on therapy, on my business, on coaching, on courses and workshops and programs and readings, on all of my solo-travels that helped me to expand my mind and consciousness, on all of the books (and God knows there have been SO MANY BOOKS), on all of it as an investment in myself. Every single penny I’ve made I have invested it back in mySelf.

And if that ain’t wealth, I dunno what is!

And there is no reason to be ashamed about that. Fuck no, I’m proud AF! The return on that investment is priceless. It is the greatest gift I could have ever given myself.

And I’m looking at this picture of my younger self when she first left her conventional life, thinking about alllllll of the doubts and nudges and lessons and fears and revelations and shame and confusion and hope and worries and everything and thanking her for making the choices she’s made. For investing in herself. For investing in me. I am exactly where I need to be. Remembering that meditation is key. Feeling rich and free.