I'm back home from a year in India. Now what?!
You made it to Madrid. An espresso and croissant welcome you back to the West. And you swear this simple meal is straight from the hands of God Himself because a coffee and croissant has never tasted so damn divine.
The familiarity of the American Airlines logo on the the plane in the distance gives you that warm fuzzy I’m coming home feeling. By some miracle You manage to get a seat in business class and you’re sitting there with your dirty poncho, a hot fudge sundae in hand and a pair of Bose headphones on, wondering if you just woke up from a dream, or if you’re in the dream, or if you’re on your way back to the dream. Either way, nothing feels real.
It’s January 17, 2018. You’ve played this scenario in your head 1,000,000 times. What it would feel like when you’re landing in Miami. Are you suppose to feel excited? Nervous? Freaked out? It doesn’t matter. Because you feel nothing. You’re still dreaming.
You’re greeted by your big sister at the airport who lovingly tells you stink. You do. You seriously do. And the first thing you can muster up to say is, “wow, it’s so quiet and peaceful here!” She literally lol’s and replies “You went all around the world to find peace and quiet in Miami.”
You’re back home and you’re greeted by the rest of your family as if you just returned from war. Like, they can’t believe you made it back alive and well. “I went to South Asia you guys. Not the battlefields of Afghanistan.” But the hugs and love are deserved and cherished. You savor every second of it.
Ok, so now what?!
The first thing you do when you get back home is get rid of half your stuff because you’re just so disturbed at how many THINGS you have. You will get rid of an entire dresser of clothes and then get rid of the dresser and then move on to your closet and get rid of even more clothes and shoes and just things, so many THINGS that no longer serve this new you.
You will talk about India so much, even you’re sick of it. It’s like the conversation about what to get your dad for his birthday is somehow linked to your time in India. And of course, EVERYTHING is a spiritual lesson, which turns into a spiritual discourse, and everyone is going to hear what you have to say about God, whether they asked or not.
Sure, you’ll miss India, a lot. You’ll miss the fragrant smells, the bright colors, the mesmerizing sights, even the irritating sounds. You’ll miss the organized chaos that constantly reminds you life is a beautiful mess. But as much as you miss it, you won’t want to go back. Not anytime soon. You desperately need a break, a bed of your own, hot running water, a washer & dryer, a vitamix and dare you say...a routine.
The first time you get angry and snap your family will look at you all big eyed, like, “Enlightened happy yogis do not get mad. This isn’t like you.” Or the first time you cry to your friend because you're sad, just because, no reason. And they’ll also be shocked, like, “I thought you worked this out in India?!”
Ok, so you’re not enlightened. Far from it. You’re still human. Very much so. And you’ll be reminded of this, time and time again. You’ll keep running into all your personal walls, the very things that made you pack your bags and leave Miami in the first place. You will get angry at yourself for feeling anything but gratitude and joy. “Come on Janelle, you know better?!” So now you’re feeling bad about feeling bad and you find yourself spinning out of control in this self-imposed hamster wheel of guilt.
But you HAVE to get off the hamster wheel. You DO know better.
You know better than to “drug” yourself or runaway when your inner demons come out to play. The challenges are still there, but you have your toolkit, you have your Teacher. And He says..."Meditate, meditate, MEDITATE WOMAN!” So you make yourself the most precious little meditation corner in your room and you deal with it, you grow from it, you fight with it, you smile at it, you cry with it, you pray for it. The work has only just begun.
And then comes the identity crisis.
Your close friends will feel abandoned. The girl they knew and loved disappeared. You’ll try so hard to convince them and yourself that she didn’t, she’s still here. But she’s gone. And you kinda miss her too.
Some friends will LOVE the new Janelle. So much so that they’ll want her to keep thriving, to come back, guns blazing, and change the little world of Miami. But new Janelle will not be able to keep up. All she wants to do is sit in her little meditation corner and wrap her head around what the hell just happened?! She can’t keep going because she’s still pumping the brakes.
And some friends you’ll avoid all together. Not because you think you’re better than them, or because you’ve just changed so much you think you’ll have nothing in common. But new Janelle just can’t take anymore rejection or expectations.
Ok, so now what?!
The identity crisis will eventually fade. There’s no new Janelle, or old Janelle, there’s just Janelle, the spiritual being that’s having a human experience. And with this human experience comes change and evolution. And as a human you’ve changed, you’ve evolved. Of course you have! Thank God you have! And no one will ever understand this, and that’s ok. It’s not for anyone to understand.
Your life experiences do not need to be explained to anyone. You do not need to explain yourself, period. Wow...this one took a while, but damn does it feel GOOOOOOD!
And so the spiritual discourses also start to fade into the background. The constant Indian stories as well.
And then comes the silence.
You’re done explaining yourself. Idle chatter does nothing for you. The only thing you want to talk about is God, but She says chill. And so you find yourself in solitude and silence a lot. But it doesn’t bother you, at all. As a matter of fact, it completely fulfills you.
So you’re not on this grand adventure, you’re as single as they come, you’re not climbing up any corporate ladder any time soon, you're alone in silence most of the time, and you have no money.
Ok, so now what?!
You will think of a million and 1 things to do for a living. One week you’re a flight attendant. The next you’ve started your own almond mylk delivery service. Another week you’re planning and guiding pilgrimage tours to India. And every week you’re joining the Peace Corps.
And now, more than ever, you want to plan your next move. You know you’re capable of doing great things. You want to change the WORLD!!! But you made a promise to God. You promised to surrender.
Your will be done. Not mine, but Yours.
You believe in the Law of Attraction. You know you’re more than capable of manifesting the life of your dreams. But even that you’ve given to God. What you really want, what you REALLY REALLY want, is God. You want God and everything She has planned for you. Because only God knows what you need, only She knows what’s best for you.
You want to relieve yourself of the pressure to live this perfect life, so that you may reinvent yourself as the person She intends for you to be. You’re on nobody’s schedule but your own, and you have God to help you figure out what’s next.
And for reasons unknown to you, God wants you to work a simple temp job, practice yoga, meditate meditate meditate, and be good to your family. That’s it. That’s all She’s giving you right now.
She’s telling you to wait. And the more you persist something happens, the louder the message comes through...”Just wait.”
Ok, so now what?!
Now you wait. But you don’t just sit around and wait. The time when nothing seems to be happening becomes your very own self-love laboratory. If you want God to bring you a life you love, you have to do your part. So you follow your bliss. You start teaching at a local studio, you sign up for salsa classes, you spend your Saturdays volunteering at an urban farm, you spend hours preparing fresh meals.
Now is the time to prove yourself worthy of everything She has planned. Not because you have anything to prove to God, but because you have everything to prove to yourself. You have to believe you're worthy. Only then can She shower you with Her blessings.
And this where you’re at. Back home from the most life-changing soul searching journey. In the Magic City of fancy cars, implant billboards and concrete everywhere. Still feeling like you’re dreaming. It's like India was school, and now you were brought back to take the tests...yes, there are multiple exams in this city. It's funny how when you surrender, God brings you back to the very place and to the very things that drove you away, because you have to look at your past, forgive, smile, and only then can you truly move forward.
Only then will you realize Miami was never the enemy, but one of your greatest teachers, for she has taught you one the greatest lessons.
